Lately I find myself overwhelmed with thoughts of my Mom.
I guess its because its been so long since she passed. I've always been scared that I'll forget the sound of her voice, her laugh, the way she smelled, the products she used. Not a day goes by that I dont think of her. I often find myself sad when thinking about her, but lately I'm remembering happier times with her and the crazy adventures we used to have. So to honor her memory and experience new things with not only I. but also R. (who unfortunately never had the honor of meeting Kimmy), I cook things she made, I buy the things she did and we go do things that I remember doing with her.
Today will be one of those adventures and its kind of bittersweet. I can already feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but I know (although I. is really resisting the plan but he's 6, what can I expect?) it'll be fun no matter what.
One of my most vivid memories of Mom was the time her and I went Strawberry picking outside of Garrison, MN. I was about 11 or 12. All in all it was a horrible experience, but my mom made it fun. I only say it was horrible because the evening before we went my Aunt JoAnn told us that we should dress in jeans and long-sleeves because Strawberry picking is nothing but crawling on the ground in the dirt. So the next morning we got up bright and early, dressed in jeans and sweat-shirts and headed out to the field. We each got our own flat and rows to pick from. I remember my row going on for what seemed days. I also helped myself to a few huge berries from an older womans row next to mine, what?! The grass was greener on the other side haha ;)
About an hour into our picking adventure, the heat started to drastically increase and so did my breathinig. At that age I had severe asthma and being that I was already dressed too warm and the late Spring/early Summer weather was starting to kick in, resulted in a recipe for disaster. I became overheated, threw up, had an asthma attack and passed out. Go me! Obviously I was okay but I haven't been back to a Strawberry field since.
After my Mom got me home and I rested for a quite a few hours and rehydrated, I felt much better. And spent the rest of the evening helping her make Strawberry Freezer Jam. We spent hours washing, hulling, smashing, cooking and filling jars. But it was so much fun.
And now 17 years later, I'm about to do it all over again with I. and R.
Stay tuned for updates on today and this past weeks pre-op surgery adventures!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
worries concerns and a lot of omfg moments (pre-op update)
things are getting real folks!
this next month is going to fly by, it seems like there's a new set of appointments popping up every week. today i spoke with the insurance rep at the surgeons clinic and she went over what the requirements are. so tomorrow i will call the psychologists office to see about setting up an appointment for my psych exam and i will call the nutritionist to schedule an appointment with them as well.
all in all there's not a ton i need to do before surgery. its more or less a waiting game, which has given me plenty of time to freak myself out.
my biggest worry is because i've never had surgery of any kind. i've never been put under, i've never been operated on in any way (not even a tooth pulling or a broken bone). so of course i get scared that i'll be the one that doesn't wake up. i've gotta stop thinking like that. another one of my worries is how things will be after surgery. no matter what people say, surgery changes you. i know this and i'm trying to prepare myself for it. i'm not going to be one of those people that says, "oh i won't change, i won't change." its inevitable. it really truly is. how can you not change after having something so life-altering happen? i will essentially be losing an entire person from my body. along with that excess weight, an outpouring of emotions will join in on the fun. i'm sure i will have my fair share of breakdowns, but with those breakdowns triumphs will happen. and i can't lose focus on all the good that will come of this.
and then there is the issue of saggy skin. aside from plastic surgery, there's not much i can do about this. its all a matter of genetics and i won't know how good mine are until they've kicked in haha. i've heard various things from a handful of people, some bad some good. i've heard it all from, "oh you're in your 20's your skins gonna bounce right back!" and then i've heard the bad "oh yeah, you're gonna look like you're melting." gee thanks for that one! i guess for the time being all i can do is take everything one day at a time, there's no point in worrying about things that havent happened yet.
well thats enough for now. i have a physical scheduled for next tuesday and i'm hoping to get some blood testing done. i would like to have my thyroid checked out since i haven't had it checked since high school. tests always came back that everything was okay and normal. but recently i've read and heard that pregnancy can sometimes throw your thyroid out of check and who knows, maybe thats the underlying issue. maybe i wont need to have surgery.
we shall see!
until next week!
<3 ena
this next month is going to fly by, it seems like there's a new set of appointments popping up every week. today i spoke with the insurance rep at the surgeons clinic and she went over what the requirements are. so tomorrow i will call the psychologists office to see about setting up an appointment for my psych exam and i will call the nutritionist to schedule an appointment with them as well.
all in all there's not a ton i need to do before surgery. its more or less a waiting game, which has given me plenty of time to freak myself out.
my biggest worry is because i've never had surgery of any kind. i've never been put under, i've never been operated on in any way (not even a tooth pulling or a broken bone). so of course i get scared that i'll be the one that doesn't wake up. i've gotta stop thinking like that. another one of my worries is how things will be after surgery. no matter what people say, surgery changes you. i know this and i'm trying to prepare myself for it. i'm not going to be one of those people that says, "oh i won't change, i won't change." its inevitable. it really truly is. how can you not change after having something so life-altering happen? i will essentially be losing an entire person from my body. along with that excess weight, an outpouring of emotions will join in on the fun. i'm sure i will have my fair share of breakdowns, but with those breakdowns triumphs will happen. and i can't lose focus on all the good that will come of this.
and then there is the issue of saggy skin. aside from plastic surgery, there's not much i can do about this. its all a matter of genetics and i won't know how good mine are until they've kicked in haha. i've heard various things from a handful of people, some bad some good. i've heard it all from, "oh you're in your 20's your skins gonna bounce right back!" and then i've heard the bad "oh yeah, you're gonna look like you're melting." gee thanks for that one! i guess for the time being all i can do is take everything one day at a time, there's no point in worrying about things that havent happened yet.
well thats enough for now. i have a physical scheduled for next tuesday and i'm hoping to get some blood testing done. i would like to have my thyroid checked out since i haven't had it checked since high school. tests always came back that everything was okay and normal. but recently i've read and heard that pregnancy can sometimes throw your thyroid out of check and who knows, maybe thats the underlying issue. maybe i wont need to have surgery.
we shall see!
until next week!
<3 ena
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
coming clean.
When I first started this blog a few years back, I had fully intended it to be used as a way to document my struggle with weight. If you go way back to some of the first entries, you can read a bit about my history with diets and being the fat girl.
In the past few years, I really got serious about my health and weight. It started with learning more about nutrition, what my body really needed versus what it didn't need any more of, what exercies were good, what I could handle and I went from there. Now let me say first off that dieting is hard and I've had my fair share of falling off the wagon (getting back on, falling off again and being ran over by the wagon). But I never let it get me down. I got right back up and dusted myself off and promised to try harder.
It seems no matter how hard I tried that the weight just wasn't going anywhere. Over the past few years, I've never been able to lose more than 20lbs on my own. I've been through every diet known to man and I've done some crazy things that I would not suggest to anyone. Never making much of a dent and eventually gaining back the few pounds I did lose.
So about a year ago, I gave myself an ultimatium: lose the weight yourself or look into weight loss surgery. After being the "fat girl" since about 3rd grade and being what the national health institute has deemed "morbidly obese", I knew that this was it. A year has passed and I've lost 20lbs over and over again, while gaining it back just as many times. It took a lot of convincing to get me to where I am today. But I know this is the right choice...for me.
Now I don't want anyone who reads this to think that I came to this conclusion overnight, because I didn't. In fact this has been something I have agonized over for years. It took a lot of research to finally get me to decide that, yes, this is right. Don't get me wrong, I still have my hesitations but mostly they revolve around surgery. I have never had surgery and the idea of being put under really frightens me. But I'm trying to look at the positive side of things and all the good that is going to come out of this. I guess its safe for me to say, I am not happy with my appearance or my weight. I am not happy with the abuse my body is taking under all the excess weight. So its time for a change. I am still trying to lose atleast 30lbs before I have surgery, so exercise and eating right are a big deal to me and always will be. I'm not looking at surgery as a quick fix, but more of a tool in aiding me lose the weight. I will still be hitting up the gym, watching what I eat and permanently cutting the junk out (because I will have to, or I will become physically ill). I'm not just losing the weight for myself, but for my family. If I don't do this now, there's a huge chance where I could develop any number of diseases and I could die. The thought of not being there for my son absolutely kills me. I cannot and will not do that for him. He is my motivator.
This past Monday I attended a weight loss surgery seminar that was hosted by Bon Securs. For over two hours I listened and read about three types of surgery offered. The pros, the cons and listened to stories of success, triumps and stories of failure. I asked questions, listened to others ask questions and got a good deal of information. I finally decided on a newer surgery that is called Sleeve Gastrectomy. With this surgery they will remove anywhere from 60-80% of my stomach after creating a new "sleeve" like stomach/pouch which will resemble the shape and size of a medium sized Banana. Nothing will be re-routed and everything will stay intact, except that part of my stomach that will be removed.
The seminar was the first step in the process. Next up I will have a psychological exam, have a meeting with a Nutritionist and then finally, I will meet with my actual surgeon and get my surgery date soon after that. In addition to those appointments, I will be setting up two additional appointments. One with my regular doctor, to have a full physical and blood work done. And the second one with my Gyno to discuss birth control options. During the seminar it was stated that because I am of child bearing age, I need to do everything in my power to make sure I do not get pregnant for the first year and a half following the surgery. If you follow me on Facebook or IAM/BME, you'll know of my struggles of trying to get pregnant. I am hoping that after the surgery, when its safe (I will probably wait a few extra years) I will be able to conceive naturally.
So thats it. Thats the big secret and what all the cryptic messages have been about. I'm not looking for your acceptance, your opinion on weight loss surgery (because I have fully educated myself and am completely aware of all the good and bad that can happen. What I am looking for is your support. Because I'm going to need all the support I can get.
ena
xxx
have you had weight-loss surgery? if so, i'd love to hear your story!
got a question? ask it!
In the past few years, I really got serious about my health and weight. It started with learning more about nutrition, what my body really needed versus what it didn't need any more of, what exercies were good, what I could handle and I went from there. Now let me say first off that dieting is hard and I've had my fair share of falling off the wagon (getting back on, falling off again and being ran over by the wagon). But I never let it get me down. I got right back up and dusted myself off and promised to try harder.
It seems no matter how hard I tried that the weight just wasn't going anywhere. Over the past few years, I've never been able to lose more than 20lbs on my own. I've been through every diet known to man and I've done some crazy things that I would not suggest to anyone. Never making much of a dent and eventually gaining back the few pounds I did lose.
So about a year ago, I gave myself an ultimatium: lose the weight yourself or look into weight loss surgery. After being the "fat girl" since about 3rd grade and being what the national health institute has deemed "morbidly obese", I knew that this was it. A year has passed and I've lost 20lbs over and over again, while gaining it back just as many times. It took a lot of convincing to get me to where I am today. But I know this is the right choice...for me.
Now I don't want anyone who reads this to think that I came to this conclusion overnight, because I didn't. In fact this has been something I have agonized over for years. It took a lot of research to finally get me to decide that, yes, this is right. Don't get me wrong, I still have my hesitations but mostly they revolve around surgery. I have never had surgery and the idea of being put under really frightens me. But I'm trying to look at the positive side of things and all the good that is going to come out of this. I guess its safe for me to say, I am not happy with my appearance or my weight. I am not happy with the abuse my body is taking under all the excess weight. So its time for a change. I am still trying to lose atleast 30lbs before I have surgery, so exercise and eating right are a big deal to me and always will be. I'm not looking at surgery as a quick fix, but more of a tool in aiding me lose the weight. I will still be hitting up the gym, watching what I eat and permanently cutting the junk out (because I will have to, or I will become physically ill). I'm not just losing the weight for myself, but for my family. If I don't do this now, there's a huge chance where I could develop any number of diseases and I could die. The thought of not being there for my son absolutely kills me. I cannot and will not do that for him. He is my motivator.
This past Monday I attended a weight loss surgery seminar that was hosted by Bon Securs. For over two hours I listened and read about three types of surgery offered. The pros, the cons and listened to stories of success, triumps and stories of failure. I asked questions, listened to others ask questions and got a good deal of information. I finally decided on a newer surgery that is called Sleeve Gastrectomy. With this surgery they will remove anywhere from 60-80% of my stomach after creating a new "sleeve" like stomach/pouch which will resemble the shape and size of a medium sized Banana. Nothing will be re-routed and everything will stay intact, except that part of my stomach that will be removed.
The seminar was the first step in the process. Next up I will have a psychological exam, have a meeting with a Nutritionist and then finally, I will meet with my actual surgeon and get my surgery date soon after that. In addition to those appointments, I will be setting up two additional appointments. One with my regular doctor, to have a full physical and blood work done. And the second one with my Gyno to discuss birth control options. During the seminar it was stated that because I am of child bearing age, I need to do everything in my power to make sure I do not get pregnant for the first year and a half following the surgery. If you follow me on Facebook or IAM/BME, you'll know of my struggles of trying to get pregnant. I am hoping that after the surgery, when its safe (I will probably wait a few extra years) I will be able to conceive naturally.
So thats it. Thats the big secret and what all the cryptic messages have been about. I'm not looking for your acceptance, your opinion on weight loss surgery (because I have fully educated myself and am completely aware of all the good and bad that can happen. What I am looking for is your support. Because I'm going to need all the support I can get.
ena
xxx
have you had weight-loss surgery? if so, i'd love to hear your story!
got a question? ask it!
suds
oh laundry, how i love thee. the pretty multi-colored bottles lining the shelves, all the different scents filling my nasal cavaties...who am i kidding? i hate doing laundry!
well the act of washing and drying clothes, i do enjoy. folding them...well thats a completely other story and action that i try to avoid at all costs.
its about 9:40pm on a humid virginia evening in june. i am currently washing and drying clothes, trying to wrangle in the mess of the 20+ loads of laundry i have accumulated. i'm not really sure how this happened, actually, no. i do know how this happened.
*cuts eyes to washing machine*
now for as long as i can remember, i have had a deep rooted love, a longing, a need for an amazing laundry room. i am also quite taken by laundromats as well. but before i start rambling, back to my washing machine. when i rented this apartment back in april 2009, i did so based primarily on the fact that it came with a washer and dryer. those two things have kind of become a deal breaker for me on property since i became a mother.
so i move into my apartment and i'm super excited that i have my own brand new washer and dryer.
this was so not the case.
upon moving in, it was missing. it ended up being delivered a week or so after moving in. it was not, however, brand new and it was not, however anywhere near what i would describe as amazing! i guess i never realized there were no w/d hookups in my apartment? so where was the water going to come from and where was the hot air and fluffy poofs of lint going to escape to?
welcome to the world of the portable washer and dryer folks! the bane of my existence. my achilles heel. my everest. my worst damn nightmare is what it is!
if you've ever had to deal with a portable washer for a family over the size of..oh...1 person, you know my pain. everytime i need to do some laundry, i have to roll my little washer (which holds about 1/4 of what a fullsize washer holds) over to my kitchen sink. hook the hose up to the faucet, plug the machine in, turn on the water, fumble with the settings and let the drum fill up about 1/2 way before adding in my detergent and what not. this process alone takes about 20 minutes. once i can add in my 2 pairs of jeans, 1 t-shirt and pair of underwear (okay i'm completely over-exaggerating, i can totally fit 3 t-shirts in there). the machine itself takes a whopping hour and a half to wash one load. it could do a much better job at washing the clothes, but i guess i'll take what i can get at this point.
i can't complain too much about the dryer. although small in size, it does its job and it works really good.
once i have finished all the laundry, i am seriously considering using the laundromat close to my house. i don't think i'll save much money, well i might. but there's just something about that smell of dryer lint and fabric sheets that i really love.
**this is an old draft i recently dug up, i'm not sure why i never posted it before, but enjoy! it all still holds true haha!
well the act of washing and drying clothes, i do enjoy. folding them...well thats a completely other story and action that i try to avoid at all costs.
its about 9:40pm on a humid virginia evening in june. i am currently washing and drying clothes, trying to wrangle in the mess of the 20+ loads of laundry i have accumulated. i'm not really sure how this happened, actually, no. i do know how this happened.
*cuts eyes to washing machine*
now for as long as i can remember, i have had a deep rooted love, a longing, a need for an amazing laundry room. i am also quite taken by laundromats as well. but before i start rambling, back to my washing machine. when i rented this apartment back in april 2009, i did so based primarily on the fact that it came with a washer and dryer. those two things have kind of become a deal breaker for me on property since i became a mother.
so i move into my apartment and i'm super excited that i have my own brand new washer and dryer.
this was so not the case.
upon moving in, it was missing. it ended up being delivered a week or so after moving in. it was not, however, brand new and it was not, however anywhere near what i would describe as amazing! i guess i never realized there were no w/d hookups in my apartment? so where was the water going to come from and where was the hot air and fluffy poofs of lint going to escape to?
welcome to the world of the portable washer and dryer folks! the bane of my existence. my achilles heel. my everest. my worst damn nightmare is what it is!
if you've ever had to deal with a portable washer for a family over the size of..oh...1 person, you know my pain. everytime i need to do some laundry, i have to roll my little washer (which holds about 1/4 of what a fullsize washer holds) over to my kitchen sink. hook the hose up to the faucet, plug the machine in, turn on the water, fumble with the settings and let the drum fill up about 1/2 way before adding in my detergent and what not. this process alone takes about 20 minutes. once i can add in my 2 pairs of jeans, 1 t-shirt and pair of underwear (okay i'm completely over-exaggerating, i can totally fit 3 t-shirts in there). the machine itself takes a whopping hour and a half to wash one load. it could do a much better job at washing the clothes, but i guess i'll take what i can get at this point.
i can't complain too much about the dryer. although small in size, it does its job and it works really good.
once i have finished all the laundry, i am seriously considering using the laundromat close to my house. i don't think i'll save much money, well i might. but there's just something about that smell of dryer lint and fabric sheets that i really love.
**this is an old draft i recently dug up, i'm not sure why i never posted it before, but enjoy! it all still holds true haha!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
TILT
stay posi, stay posi, stay posi. sometimes i wish i had a "safe" place to vent about everything. i guess thats the problem with social networking and blogging sites. you never know (or do know!) who's reading your stuff. and since i dont want anything to bite me in the ass later on, i guess i'll just keep my mouth shut about certain subjects. which sucks since i'm not really one to keep my mouth shut about anything, but when my personal life/work life are in question....i guess i'll have to deal.
*breath*
anyway its thursday and its been forever and a day since i wrote up a tilt. i'm not in the mood to really write out overly long, drawn out paragraphs as to why i love these things. so this week, its pictures only.
*breath*
anyway its thursday and its been forever and a day since i wrote up a tilt. i'm not in the mood to really write out overly long, drawn out paragraphs as to why i love these things. so this week, its pictures only.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
i am such a bad blogger.
between work, crocheting, trying to hula hoop, being a superhero, it's left me know time to write.
so here's some things i've recently learned about myself:
the want/need for another child is consuming every bit of my being.
i am incredibly sad.
i do not like being made fun of, singled out, talked down to or laughed at.
between work, crocheting, trying to hula hoop, being a superhero, it's left me know time to write.
so here's some things i've recently learned about myself:
the want/need for another child is consuming every bit of my being.
i am incredibly sad.
i do not like being made fun of, singled out, talked down to or laughed at.
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