the day after...

well i'm awake.  with a grumbly belly, runny nose and overall tiredness.

so far i'm not hungover.  and although we did start celebrating the new year yesterday afternoon (possibly around noon), as the evening progressed, i really started "slow-stepping" it on the alcohol.  by midnight i'm pretty sure i was completely sober, but i was still having a good time.  most of yesterday was spent playing dr.mario on the wii.  i must say, it was the best $10 i ever spent and accounted for hours, yes HOURS of fun.  to the point where we turned the damn game into a drinking game, which may have to turn into a new tradition for party nights. 

my house is full of sleeping friends.  because we're all responsible adults and i would never EVER let someone leave my home thats been drinking.  i'm just glad i was able to provide comfy cozy spots for everyone.  maybe that extra mattress is worth hanging on to, haha.

so 2010 is over.  honestly, i can't sit here and pin-point things that happened every month during that year.  but i'm glad to say its over.  for the most part 2010 was a year of struggle, not only for me, but a lot of my friends as well.  i was glad to say goodbye and say hello to a new and promising year.

i'm not really one for making "resolutions"  but i would like to try harder at some things, such as:

• making healthier choices in general.  such as eating better and exercising (i did buy a gym membership!)
• not to mention:  healthier choices in the way i live on this earth and healthier choices for my mental and spiritual state.  
• spend less time online and stop being so technology obsessed.
• as a society i think a lot of us have really lost touch with whats important because we're all to busy playing on our phones, laptops, social networking sites, etc.
• since i went into the new year already having quit facebook, i feel good about this.  i spend less time on the computer now, i use it for what i need and get off right away.  although i will update my blog.
•  travel.
• i say this every year, i make plans, BIG plans, tell them to everyone and then everything falls through.  but not this year dammit!  i will go somewhere haha!
• continue the constant strive to stay positive.
• the power of positive thinking is no joke, i truly believe this.  however, being and staying positive is really hard for me.  sometimes i have no idea why i am such a downer 99% of the time.
• stay in touch with friends.
• now that i am facebookless, i have to remember not to alienate my friends and family.  i must stay in touch!
• adventure with the boys as much as possible.
• remember that each new day with them is a blessing and full of endless opportunities.  spend more time together as a family enjoying and learning from eachother.  make time to try and see new things.  cook together, eat together, play together, laugh and cry together, just be together.  happy and healthy.
• continue being a crafty bitch!
• 'nuff said!
• make the effort
• im going to be vague on this.
• realize that its okay to put a little focus on yourself sometimes and not feel guilty about it.
• this one is going to be hard for me, but i know i have to do it.  i go without a lot of things all the time because i feel guilty about spending any time/money on myself.  but this year, i need to get over this and realize that sometimes its okay to buy that $5 bottle of OPI nailpolish or spend the money to have my haircut more than once a year.

and thats it from me!

i hope everyone has an amazing year!

is it a sign?

anyone that knows me knows that i love to change my hairstyle.  whether it be a cut, color, style or texture.

for as long as i can remember i've wanted to be a hair stylist (among a growing list of other professions).  i've spent a lot of time in hair salons, beauty supply stores.  anyway, i've had some amazing results and well, some not so amazing results.  but i've been able to teach myself and a few brave souls have even donated their hair to be guinea pigs.


so today the partner and crime and i had to run some last minute errands (christmas cookie supplies) and i saw that they built a regency beauty institute right near my house!!!

this could be my chance!!  so as soon as i got home i went to the website and requested information on enrolling.  they even have part-time enrollment, which means i could still work and go to school.  yes, i know i flip flop on my major at college all the time, but i think thats because im choosing things that'll bring me monetary happiness, rather than just plain happiness.  i want to do something i love, not something that i sort of like doing that'll make me tons of money.

farewell october

this morning was the first morning where i really felt autumn in the air.  the air was brisk and filled my lungs, there was that smell in the air....not the typical "eww the trash stinks!" but fall was in the air.  today was one of the first days where the heat wasn't overwhelming.  it was enjoyable.  and i really wish i could have enjoyed it more than i was able to.  but hopefully the weekend proves to be nothing short of amazing.

but just as expected, the month flew by before i could enjoy it.  this was a month of a lot of ups and downs.

lows:

unfortunately there was no visit to the pumpkin patch this year.  iain opted out since he had gone to one with his school.  i guess he's at that age right now where he doesn't like to "repeat" things.  honestly, it bummed me out a little but i am hoping that the impending holiday season will give us some time to do some adventuring.  we also haven't had a chance to carve any pumpkins or make caramel apples.  we did a few halloween crafts and watched some halloween movies.  my once halloween enthusiast has disappeared.  hopefully its only temporary


the anniversary of mom's death....while it was sad, i made it through this year without any breakdowns.  i did a lot of remembering, especially of the good times.  i talked about her, i remembered her, i missed her, i talked to her even if she's not here, i like to think she can still hear me.

uncle kenny's memorial service.  i wasn't able to make it but i heard it was amazing.  it just breaks my heart that i couldn't be there for some of my family.

the great apartment flood and everything that went along with that. 


but like they always say, there's always a silver lining.  a few of the good things that happened this month:

R. was offered a position with the NNPS system and we are finally back on track to being a two income family.  this is huge for us and i couldn't be more excited.  its been tough living on just my income alone, but we somehow did it.  and now some of that stress will melt away and we can get back to our normal lives!

my moms anniversary really allowed me to finally let go of some of the emotional baggage i was still holding on to.  and i really feel like i can finally start healing and moving on.  i know now its okay to be sad and miss her, but i dont need to blame myself anymore.

i reconnected with some people from my past.  and said the things i needed to say to them and got some feedback.

the new apartment.  it took some pushing but i got my way in the end and i think we're all much happier in the new place. 

motherhood....the six year retrospect

in only a few hours, it will officially mark the sixth birthday of my son.  iain michael burst into the world at a whopping 6lbs 15oz, late into the evening of october 1st, 2004.

it was at that exact moment, when his little body exited mine that i really knew what love was.  it was also at that exact moment that i knew my life would never be the same.  for nine months i carried this child inside me.  and finally i could gaze into his eyes.

i remember those first few days being rough.  i didn't have a particularly hard labor, but it wasn't without its complications either.  my epidural never worked, i couldn't push hard enough, iain was flipping with every push, i had the hardest time dilating and i was threatened with an emergency c-section more than once.  we returned home to my aunt and uncles home in westminster, maryland on a sunday.  that following morning, i brought iain in for his first official checkup and the heartbreak set in.  iain developed jaundice pretty badly, so we were re-admitted to the pediatrics unit.  the entire first week of his life, he was strapped to a bed under UV lights.  i wasn't allowed to hold him or nurse him for a whole week.  instead i was set up in a bed next to him, where all i could do was watch.  there was nothing i could do except cry.

five days later, i was finally able to hold my son.  we returned home again and began our lives as mommy and baby.

the years following iain's birth have been a constant rollercoaster of emotions and learning.  before i became pregnant, i had very little experience with children.  i had spent most of my teenage years telling people how much i never wanted a child.  i'm not sure when that changed, i suspect somewhere between 20 and 21, haha.  i mean, i was 21 when i got pregnant. 

somedays i think back to when he was younger and wonder how i made it through all that alive, haha.  we haven't been without our trials and tribulations, but all in all nothing has ever been more rewarding then being this kids momma.  he really is the light of my life, my one true love.  and nothing will ever change that.

being a mom, scratch that.  being iain's mom has taught me a few things:

- my love is never ending, runs deep and is unconditional.  not a day goes by that i don't shower this little boy with love and adoration.  i am forever telling him how proud i am of him and how much i love him.

- i am a strong woman.  no matter how much someone tries to break me or tear me down, i dont let it happen.  i show them exactly what i am made of.

- i'm a good momma.

- a smile from him can make the worst day melt away.

- cleaning and laundry are a never ending task.  i have learned to accept this.

- his laugh is contagious.


so with that, to my son.

i love you more than you will ever know.  i cannot believe that you are officially a six year old.  you're a big boy and you remind me that everyday, you're not a baby anymore.  but someday, you'll realize that you'll always be my baby. 

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

happy birthday iain michael

have a wonderful birthday!!!

mommy loves you
<3

saturday evening fever!

so today originally consisted of doing a lot of grocery shopping, do some baking and do some cooking (soups for lunches).

i did none of the above.

instead me and my partner in crime gassed up the mazda, visited michaels crafts (bought one of the last pieces of the little ones halloween costume), checked out spirit halloween, went to the spca (always a bad idea, 15 pitbulls in need of loving homes and we could not provide ours for them because we have no backyard), grabbing beers at an irish pub, dinner double date with our favorite married couple, followed by more beer at the irish pub and then eventually home to do laundry and watch UFC.

i'm kind of scared to see my bank account haha, but i had a good time.  and nights like this make me realize how much more i need to make myself and go out, do adult things and enjoy being in my 20's.

however, i realized that i can't hold a conversation with adults unless it revolves around my kid, something funny he's said/done or video games....i am a boring boring person.  i really need to get some hobbies!

so i guess tomorrow i'll try and get those things accomplished that i should have done today.  i'll keep you posted.

growing up

i find myself more often than not daydreaming....about everything!

the past, the present, the future. the what-if's and what-not's, the could have beens and taking that left at the fork in the road.

maybe its a quarter-life crisis of some sort, but lately i feel as though time is passing me a lot quicker than it used to. when we were kids, we wanted nothing more than to be "grown up". and now that we're there, most of us realize maybe this whole "adult" thing isn't really what its all cracked up to be. don't get me wrong, it has its perks (no curfews, smoking fancy cigarettes, drinking over-priced beer and r-rated movies!).

i don't know if i mentioned it before but i am currently back in school, college to be exact. i started back at a local community college in the spring of 2009. originally i thought i'd try my hand at medical coding and billing so i could work from home. but i quickly discovered that profession was so far from what i wanted to do, i decided to go another route. so here i am a few semesters later, still trying to figure it out! i'm not sure if its indecisiveness or ADD, but i want to do it all! i guess i've always been like this. looking back, here's a list of careers i wanted to do (some of these are from childhood...duh!):

- madonna
- model
- singer
- actress
- ballerina
- special effects make-up artist
- photographer
- graphic designer (i actually went to school for this!)
- business owner
- tattoo artist
- piercer
- artist living in NYC
- clothing designer
- musician
- baker
- interior designer
- professional blogger!
- art teacher

obviously with my current position in the world of finance, i am far from my childhood dreams of growing up to be madonna. although i'm not so sure where i went off course with that one....


anyway! lets get some audience participation going!


so what about you!? what did you want to be when you grew up? and what do you do now?

and it begins...

Since I haven't actually "officially" started my new diet, I figured I would start out with a few posts throwing out my background and history with my weight issues.

Looking back, I think if I remember correctly my weight problems started around the third grade. For as long as I can remember, my Father has never really been in the picture. And even though my Mother was always present, she's wasn't really "available". Throughout my childhood my Father made appearances here and there when he wasn't serving time in Prison. I think that missing those two vital sources of love and adoration, I turned to what would make me feel good...food.

After sorting through my memory and remember grade school pictures. I think I was always a little bigger than other kids my age. With the exception of Kindergarten. In 1st grade there was definitely some weight starting to pack on, a little more in 2nd grade and by 3rd, I was definitely "the fat kid." With my Dad not being in the picture, my Mom moved us around a lot. If I remember correctly, I had attended 10 grade schools before 5th grade. Knowing what I know now, the extra stress of being the child of a non-present single parent and changing schools so often, its no wonder I chose food to comfort me.

Through the years the weight continued to pack itself on. And I was forever dubbed "the fat girl." And as we all know, kids can be pretty cruel when you're not the skinniest or the prettiest. Needless to say, school was always pretty rough for me. Many times I came home from school crying because of the hurtful things that were said to me and about me. I remember one year in particular. I was in 7th grade and I think I cried every single day that year. I was called names relentlessly by classmates. Both in my grade and above me. Even just thinking about it now, it makes me want to cry. You name it, I was called it. The worst being "whale". In 8th grade I was dumped by my two best friends. They didn't want to be friends with a fatty anymore, so they ditched me to save themselves any further embarrassment.

Around 9th grade, the teasing started to sort of disappear. I had lost some weight at that point, but I was going through my "goth" phases which had started the year before. So now rather than tease me about my weight, they tossed in comments about my clothing and musical tastes. This is also around the time that guys finally started to notice me. Not the guys I was interested in though. In fact, it was the guys who had spent the past couple of years tormenting me, were now the ones trying to make-out with me in the baseball dugouts after school.

For the rest of my high school days I seemed to maintain the same weight and even through my first bout of college. I can't recall any drastic weight gains or losses. I was definitely still "thick".

And that's it for now....stay tuned for 2003 and beyond, when the weight really started packing on. Pregnancy, death, depression, etc.