three years...

it doesn't seem like three years has passed, but october 19th has crept up on me again.  today marked the three year anniversary since the last time i spoke with my mom.  tomorrow will mark three years since my mother took her own life.  i've been told that it gets easier as time goes on, but i have yet to see the light at the end of that tunnel.  part of me is still angry and the other part of me still blames myself.  i constantly question my actions about that night when i spoke to her.  i should have known something wasn't right.  i should have stopped and listened.  i shouldn't have fought with her.  but most of all, i should have said i love you.  that part is what hurts the most.  i never got the chance until it was too late.

now i spend a lot of time thinking about the things she's missed or the things that she will miss.  she'll never see me walk down the aisle, she'll never meet R., she'll never be there for the birth of any future babies, she'll never see me walk across the stage to receive my bachelors degree, etc.

There's no need for tears
Cause there's no need to cry
The love that you leave
Will never be left behind
This pain in my head comes straight from my heart
No woman alive could touch who you were
There's no one could take your place
Your beauty will never fade
The seed that you sewn
Now reachs for the sky
The song that you leave
Will never beat at night
And after this song, her spirit lives on
Though your not around you'll never be gone

Cause no one can take your place
Your beauty will never fade
But I... I could have danced on the sun
But my world came undone
Yeah, I... I could have danced on the sun
But my world came undone

This pain in my head comes straight from my heart
No woman alive could touch who you were...

Laura by Flogging Molly 

RIP Kimmy Murphy

December 30th, 1964 - October 19th, 2007